


A Harry Situation

by Hiver_Frost_Elf



Series: STAR Blazers [6]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Central City Shoelace Museum/Raccoon Sanctuary, Conspiracy Theories, Deutsch | German, Earth-2, Epic Fail, Family, Father's Day, Feelings, Gen, Hugs, Plush Menagerie, STAR Bars, STAR Labs, Speed Force, TESS Labs, Telepathy, Twins, When All Hell Breaks Loose Rifle, shoelaces
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-10 20:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8937055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiver_Frost_Elf/pseuds/Hiver_Frost_Elf
Summary: Ich heiße Solnishko Rory Morgan-Wells, und ich bin der schnellste Mann am Leben.  When I was a child, apparently I saw my Großeltern murdered by someone impossible.  Then Blue Lightning made me impossible when der Mann in Gelb tried to murder me too.  To the outside world, I’m a weirdo, but I find orphans and enfold them into my ‘ohana.  Today, a bunch of orphans are coming from another Earth, and after I find families for them, I’m going home to spend Father’s Day with Vati.  I am Blitz.





	1. Plot

**Author's Note:**

> Newcomers, welcome! Please read chapter one of all previous installments before reading this one. Y'all gotta lot of catching up to do; good luck :D
> 
> Oldcomers, welcome back :3 :3 :3

“Listen to me go on and on about my dad when none of you even have a dad to complain about,” sighed a brunette who wore festive Nextel: predominantly green with red accents and a raccoon mask.

Her posse exchanged glances.  A dude in orange and yellow Nextel paired with a brass buckle cut like a thunderbolt spoke up, “Oh no, our fail o’sucky lives do not invalidate your fail o’sucky life.”

“Seriously, Jesse, what does your father think you’ll do with a sixth PhD anyway???  Most folks your age haven’t even graduated high school,” leather-loving Charlie pointed out.  She snapped her fingers between herself and Ronnie. “Most folks our age are lucky if they’ve got a single PhD.”

“{Lotta good mine did me,}” a fuzzy-haired guy slumped in his seat.  The joys of spinny chairs drowned in survivor guilt.  He became fireproof.  407 people burned.  He could recite every last name by heart.

Charlie clasped his smoldering hand.  His temperature ran hotter these days while hers ran colder.  The four friends quickly became each other’s family after both speedsters woke up to a world without their mothers.  Jesse and Wally hosted Green and Orange Lightning, respectively.

Jesse dashed to her father’s office and left him a note; he’d waddle on down there eventually.  She slung on a backpack—they’d all packed a suitcase and a backpack of stuff—and nodded at herself and Wally, “Okay, Green, Orange, we’re ready.”

Blue, Green, Yellow, Orange, and Red temporarily abandoned their hosts to open a passage between both Earths.  Howling preceded the birth of a maelstrom that blossomed across a wall in a racetrack lab in Technological Engineering Scientific Studies Laboratories.  Nerves froze the foursome until a bunch of teenagers arrived.  The second-oldest boy wore a white jacket and skinny jeans, the second-youngest boy wore bat-themed Kevlar, the oldest boy's parentage included Goliath and a washer/dryer, the youngest boy looked like his blood consisted of broccoli and Mountain Dew, the tallest girl wore a cheesy Hawaiian shirt over a purple crop top and miniskirt, the medium girl floated beside her in a hooded cloak, and the shortest girl wore cat ears which doubled as binoculars.

“Say the cheese!” the tallest snapped a photo of the foursome on a circular flip phone just like a tourist.

Awkwardness paused them until cat ears piped up, “We’re here to hang out with Bruce!”

The second-oldest boy wrung his hand through his porcupine hair, “Will you show us a photo of the Thomas and Martha Wayne Crypt, please?  Our tech is probably incompatible with your internet.”

Dumbfounded, Ronnie did as he asked.  The group thanked them in sync before the floating girl chanted, “Azarath Metreon Zinthos!”  They departed through an umbral vortex.  The younger boy shot them a paper airplane of directions to Central City Shoelace Museum/Raccoon Sanctuary.

“Edison! Not this again!” Charlie groaned as they entered Scientific and Technological Advanced Research Laboraties. “It’s a step up from your usual conspiracy theories, but seriously, Ronnie, billionaire widower/father Bruce Wayne is Batman???”

“{Batman debuted shortly after Bruce Wayne returned from his global tour, Bruce Wayne is the only person in Gotham who can afford Batman’s gear, and Batman hasn’t been spotted since Bruce Wayne got married.}” Ronnie argued telepathically; mute folks on his Earth communicated via Naruto-style bandanas. “{There is no such thing as coincidences, and even if there were, that would not be one!  Why else would those kids ask for him???}”

“Just because Batman is Bruce Wayne on this Earth doesn’t mean he’s Bruce Wayne on ours,” Jesse reasoned.

Wally shook his head, slapped his hand on Ronnie’s shoulder, and counted off, “Next thing we know, you’ll be telling us elephants are real, onions make you cry, and the Beatles crossed Abbey Road.”

“{They are, they do, and they did!!!}” Ronnie hissed.

“Heyo!” _Big Bang Theory_ -teed Cisco greeted them with a wave worthy of an ocean.  His umber eyes bulged on sight of Charlie. “Caitlin!?!”

“....My name’s Charlie,” she frowned at the name. “Caitlin was stillborn.”

Cisco pulled Charlie along, “You need to meet my family, like, right now!” The foreigners followed him into STAR Labs’ medical wing where two women looked up from a man on a cot who was dead to the world. “Mutti! Cait! This is Charlie!  She’s Caitlin’s twin from another universe!!!”

The mirrors gazed at each other until Charlie broke down on Caitlin’s shoulders, “I’ve spent so long wondering how I could possibly miss someone who doesn’t exist, but you do exist; you exist here!  May I exist here, too!?”

“Yes!” Caitlin hugged her with a fair amount of tears herself. “Of course, you can.”

“Welcome to our ‘ohana, Charlie,” Nora joined the hug, and Cisco leapt into it.

Charlie blinked her tears away and sniffled at Nora, “You want me?” Charlie snapped her fingers. “Just like that???”

“Absolutely,” Nora pecked her forehead. “Henry and I would’ve adopted our Earth’s Charlie, and even if she was alive today, we’d still adopt you.”

Charlie whimpered, “My mother started working basically 24/7 after my dad died.  I called her every day, yet all I got was her secretary.  Finally, my friends and I ambushed her in her office and told her how lonely I felt....  She told me my feelings are irrelevant!!!”

Nora frowned and hugged her again, “Nobody’s feelings are not irrelevant, Charlie, and if your mother doesn’t understand that, I will be your mother.”

“And I’ll be your twin,” Caitlin vowed.

“And I’ll be your hermano!” Cisco added. “And Solnishko will be your Brüderchen!”

Charlie looked around the room and pointed a befuddled finger at Red’s host.  Nora chuckled, “Ah, no, that’s Henry.” She addressed Wally, Ronnie, and Jesse, “Solnishko’s waiting for you at his shoelace museum/raccoon sanctuary to help you find families.”

The raccoon sanctuary half of the building wasn’t quite ready yet, but the shoelace museum was fully functional.  Round laces, flat laces, long laces, and short laces hung within frames.  They also wove sculptures and everyday objects such as furniture and potted plants.

Blue’s buddy wore teal Nextel.  He scrambled out of an office and chirped his greetings.  Orange and Green took over their hosts to hug him and exclaim their excitement at his freedom and safety.  Orange told him, “ **Wally’s mama and sister were cops, and his daddy was a jazz musician, yet he didn’t leave the womb until he’d run background checks on all of ‘em.  He’s gonna wanna spend Father’s Day with your uncle, ‘kay?** ”

“Let’s go!” Solnishko led the way to Joe’s house where Iris opened the door as soon as he rang it.  She wore a tunic, leggings, and sleek gladiator heels.

The foreigners gaped.  Wally’s nose twitched.  He bit his lip by the time they all entered and flopped onto the couch.

“You alright, Wally?” Joe quirked an eyebrow.  Off-duty for the first time in what his joints swore equated to eternity, he wore a dark, long-sleeved tee and slacks. “You look like you’re seeing ghosts.”

“....My daddy and my sister died in a hostage situation on steroids.  My mama died when the particle accelerator exploded, but she kicked her addiction’s ass.  Here, it beat her and me,” Joe and Iris blanched.  Wally implored them with trembling tears, “I know I’m not your Wally, and I know you’re not my daddy and my sister, but can we be each other’s not family together???”

“Heck no!” Iris stared at Wally like a cat stares at an insect it has no intention of killing. “We’re not going to be a not family, we’re going to be a _family_ family!”

Joe and Iris embraced him immediately.  Wally spoke up once it broke, “Listen, there’s something y’all should know.  The portal between our Earth and yours’ll only last for 24 hours; after that, poof!  The Lightnings won’t be able to make another one, so if it’s really okay for us to stay, that’s what we’d love to do.”

“Don’t you have anything to go home to?” Joe asked.

Wally looked between his friends and his family, “We have all plenty of things to go home to, but none of us have anyone to go home to… except for Jesse.”

Jesse fidgeted with her fingers.  Joe’s ballooning sofa suddenly stung her.  She didn’t notice Solnishko ask Ronnie what kind of family he’d like until Ronnie mumbled, “One that can stay alive....”

Solnishko nominated Eddie because he was a cop, and cops are great at staying alive.  The duo got to know each other over brunch.  Eddie explained as he utilized his vast culinary expertise to insert waffles into a toaster, “My family’s a tribe of scientists, politicians, professors, blah blah blah—they said I’d never amount to anything for pursuing law enforcement.”

Ronnie downed his root beer as if it contained actual alcohol, “{My family supported my dream to become an architect… then it became a nightmare when what I built killed them all.}”

Eddie turned around, ignoring the waffles popping up perfectly roasted, “Our particle accelerator blew up, too, and ours didn’t have a Ronnie Raymond working on it.” Ronnie perked up at his newfound, suit-loving brother. “Bad events can have good consequences, and good events can have bad consequences.  No matter what happens, we gotta keep moving forward because we can’t go back, and staying in one spot forever isn’t healthy.  If you ever feel this awful—that your family dying is your fault—you give Caitlin a call; here’s her number.  She spent her entire childhood thinking Solnishko’s abduction was her fault, and now she knows it wasn’t.  And you can always talk to me, too.”

“{Thanks, bro,}” Ronnie hummed.  His mood lifted at last. “{....Solnishko’s a good kid.  I wonder who he’ll find for Jesse.}”

Green Lightning addressed Solnishko when he and Jesse exited Eddie’s downtown apartment complex, “ **Jesse’s father won’t spend Father’s Day with her, so can she spend it with you and your Vati?** ”

Solnishko nodded eagerly and gave each of them a STAR Bar: granola bricks designed to provide up to a third of a speedster’s daily recommended caloric intake—now with 10% more vitamin A!  He led them up to a mountainside mansion after their minute o’ munchies.  He grabbed a Build-a-Bear Workshop box from underneath a bush, squeezed Jesse’s hand four times, and flung open the door, “Vati! This is Jesse without an I, my Schwesterchen; I just met her today, but I love her unconditionally!  She has five PhDs, and she’s working on a sixth, yet her father doesn’t wanna spend Father’s Day with her; can you believe that!?”

Jesse fidgeted apologetically at the man with clear-colored frames, “I’m so sorry for barging in you; I know you must be super busy—”

“Jesse, please,” Harrison held up his hand, then patted the seats beside him on the couch.  Solnishko zipped into the right cushion and awaited Jesse’s arrival while Harrison continued, “the only plan I intend to accomplish today is to spend time with the two of you.” Jesse had witnessed unconditional acceptance no less than three times today, yet she stopped suspending her disbelief at time #4. “You are more than welcome in our ‘ohana no matter PhDs you have.  I cherish every minute with my child; I am appalled that your father doesn’t feel likewise.”

“What’s wrong, Schwesterchen?” Solnishko quirked his head in confusion.

Jesse slumped and whimpered, “My father didn’t want to spend Father’s Day with me because he wanted me to study for my midterm.  My midterm was yesterday, which he’d know if he wasn’t intent on becoming Doctor Tannhauser 2.0.”

“How’d you do?” Harrison asked.

“I got a planet,” Jesse sniffled and leaned into Harrison; Solnishko zipped her a box of tissues, his raccoon quilt, and Jessie, Ronald Mallard, Leia van Gogh, and Molly: a tiger, a duck, a snowy owl, and a cheetah, respectively. “I don’t know how your grading system works, but on my Earth, it is physically impossible to get a planet on a test unless you intentionally nose-dive it, and my professor knew that.  I only did it to see if he’d notice, so she let me retake it.  I’m an all-star student, so I got a binary star as usual.  He doesn’t notice me when I succeed, he doesn’t notice me when I fail, he doesn’t notice me when I go to a completely different universe; he hasn’t noticed me at all since Mom died!!!”

“Jesse!?!” an ebony-garbed gentleman with a newsboy cap burst through the door toting a When All Hell Breaks Loose Rifle.  All three couch potatoes looked up at him.

“Schwesterchen said you didn’t want to spend Father’s Day with her!  ....This doesn’t make any sense!” Solnishko punched the stranger’s face and screamed as he fled.

Jesse chased after him, brushing off her father reaching out to her, “I waited hours for you today; you can wait until I’m good and ready to tolerate you!!!”

Harry sat stunned on bamboo flooring.  He’d barely recovered his newsboy cap when righteous fury commanded him, “Sit.”

Harry gingerly padded over to the couch and sat down as if a pressure plate would activate a landmine underneath it.  His counterpart glared lasers at him.

If Harry still had clue how epically he had failed today, Harrison spelled it out for him, “I hope my son never cries again unless they are tears of joy, but I will understand if he does, because he has a lot to cry about.  He doesn’t even remember most of it, which frankly, might be the best thing for him, because I remember all of it, and none of it was ever any good!  I watched him suffer for years without being able to do a thing to comfort him, so imagine my outrage when our brilliant, diligent daughter told me that you are too busy mourning your wife to notice that Jesse is mourning her mother!!!” Harry shrunk into the sofa and stared at Harrison as if the latter would rip Harry to shreds and feast on his heart.  Harrison’s fists coiled.  He calmed himself with a deep breath, “I know what you’re going through.  I didn’t get to spend 24 hours as Tess’s husband, yet I miss her so much, it hurts.  Do you know what heals my pain? My ‘ohana.  You can count the amount of sane members on one hand—maybe two—but you are more than welcome to it.”

Harry broke down and wailed over Harrison’s shoulder.  Harrison rubbed Harry’s back until Harry calmed down to sniffling and a trumpeter’s nasal cleansing.  He was puffy-eyed by the time Harrison opened his gift: a koala.  Solnishko had written a note on the back of her certificate.

_Dear Fenster,_

_I’m sorry you didn’t get a lot of time with Mom, so when you miss her, you can spend time with Morgan.  She has a lab coat for fur safety, closed-toe shoes and gloves for paw safety, and goggles for eye safety.  I bought #FAR Junior a lab coat so he can do science with her._

_~ Your Superhero_

Their children returned with another Build-a-Bear Workshop box.  Solnishko explained that while it was a Father’s Day present, it was Jesse and Harry.  Solnishko had kept Jesse out of Build-a-Bear Workshop while he built this critter, so both Jesse and Harry teared up at Solnishko presenting a koala dressed like Morgan with a newsboy cap, “This is Tesla; there’s only one of her to remind you that missing Mom separately isn’t working out for either of you, so try missing her together instead.”

Jesse and Harry stared at Solnishko as if he’d come from the heavens.  Then they gazed at each other.  Harry pulled Jesse into a hug and quaked, “I am so sorry I’ve wasted all this time.”

“....Father’s Day isn’t over yet, Dad,” Jesse reminded him. “Let’s spend it with Vati and my brother.”

_Epilogue_

“Lisa joined Shawna and Hartley’s Our Fathers Suck Club,” Len sizzled as his fingers grazed the back of Mick’s neck like a spider.  Mick continued transferring plates and bowls from the dishwasher to the cabinets.  Len drawled, “We have the house all to ourselves, and I have plans.”

Mick shoved a sill of silverware onto the floor.  Forks, spoons, and cutlery of all sorts clanged against each other before the carpeting cushioned their fall, “If these plans involve me in a cowboy hat and a kilt—” Mick shut up on sight of Len in Mick’s clothes: suspenders, cargo pants, and the infamous why-are-we-washing-this-instead-of-throwing-it-away schlub tank top… plus a thin leather collar with jingling tags all proclaiming Mick’s ownership of Len.  Len became a right angle over the table not even a minute after Mick changed into his shirtless costume.

It took them three minutes to detect the Mardon brothers lockpicking the door and invading safehouse #8.  The older men would’ve strangled the damn fools if bomber jacket enthusiast Clyde hadn’t piped up, “Will you be our fathers for Father’s Day???”

Mick and Len blinked at them in stunned confusion.  Mick perfunctorily righted the displaced chairs as duffle-coated Mark signed, “(We know we’re annoying, we don’t always follow orders, and we fight a lot; but we love both of you because you let us stick around despite all that.)”

Len and Mick looked at each other before Len sighed, “....We don’t just let you stick around; we love you—immensely and unconditionally.”

“My father’s dead, and Lenny’s father is the worst father who ever fathered in the history of fathers,” Mick pulled his twin morons into a hug, “but if y’all wanna spend Father’s Day with us, we’d be honored to spend it with you.”

Both boys whoop-whooped and presented the men a set of gift cards to Saints & Sinners.  Now Len and Mick knew the twins were many thunderbolts short of a storm, but they had enough common sense to give something other than gift cards to the business the recipients owned.

Clyde perpetuated the deception by wiggling one, “They’re the special holographic ones!”

The boys grinned at the men until the latter spotted a quilt on the dishwasher.  It was snowy on one side and sparky on its opposite.  Mick and Len pulled the twins into another hug before the foursome ambled into tournament after tournament of Mario Kart.

_Epilogue II_

Solnishko logged onto Crookbook at the end of the day.  Starfire had uploaded an album of her team’s escapades with an early-thirties Bruce Wayne and his nearly four-year-old firecracker.  Solnishko messaged Batman immediately.

_Blitz: Do they have their own Plush Menagerie???_

_Bats: They do now.  We built it ourselves._

_Blitz: Oh good :) :) :)_

_Bats: Theirs is different from yours because Bruce's parents are dead, and so is Alfred, Selina, and all of his Robins._

_BB Gun: Especially Dick :D_

  * _Bats, Cats, Cyfy, & Roth of Khan :D this comment_



_Dick Grayson: Shut up you guys!!!  Whoever hacked my account better fess up or I will throttle all of you D: <_

_Blitz: R u guys okay with the party date?  It’s not just my party anymore, it’s also Jesse’s since her birthday’s the day after the day Mick freed me.  She likes tigers, peach tea Snapples, sandwiches wrapped up in toasty papers, & LotR parodies—but don’t feel pressured to get her anything on such short notice_

_Cats: I’m the goddamn Catwoman, my boyfriend is the goddamn Batman, and our friends are the goddamn Teen Titans. CHALLENGED ACCEPTED!!! ;3_

  * _Bats, BB Gun, Cyfy, Dick Grayson,_ _Koriand'r, & Roth of Khan :) this comment_



_Blitz: Okay :D See ya Wednesday!_

Meanwhile, the TESS Earth crew were having a chat of their own.  Concern raised Eddie’s eyebrow when his brother began manically laughing at his computer.

_Ron Stoppable reposted Koriand’r’s TESS Earth album: I TOLD EACH AND SINGLE ONE OF YOU LOSERS THAT BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN AND NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME! HA!!!_

  * _Frosty Killer, Weast, & Without an I e_e this comment_
  * _Go Away :D this comment_



_Frosty Killer: Hawking! It’s about time you got here!_

_Ron Stoppable: If I showed up for my shift as late as you showed up for Father’s Day, you’d have fired me_

_Go Away: Well, it’s a good thing I’m not your boss anymore ;)_

_Weast: Technically, you're nobody’s boss anymore. Harrison owns STAR Labs_

_Without an I: U r doomed to work a legit job, Dad :D_

_Go Away: But I’m allergic to working D:_

_Weast: Politics. Your ultimate goal would be VP, but for now, shoot for Congress._

_Frosty Killer: Just vote no for everything & nobody’ll care cuz Congressmen never get anything done anyway_

_Go Away: Politicians_ _aren’t allowed to wear hats, & my hat is my EpiPen in case I accidently do work!_

_Frosty Killer: U could be a homemaker like Mutti_

_Go Away: ???_

_Wheeling Dead: You cook, you clean, and you interact with your ‘ohana._

_Go Away: You mean all the stuff I basically do anyway??? That sounds perfect!!!_

  * _Blitz, Frosty Killer, Killer Frost, Redhead, Ron Stoppable, Vibe, Weast, Wheeling Dead, & Without an I :) this comment_



The End!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY WHATEVER HOLIDAY(S) Y'ALL CELEBRATE *cue confetti* and if you celebrate nothing, happy another day of life *cue more confetti*
> 
> Thanks for taking time to read this :3 enjoy what you do here and everywhere :)


	2. Commentary

Well, I figured it was about time I got on my butt and wrote this commentary.  Good grief, this one was short.  Even 5+1 was longer than AHS’s plot.

If anybody remembers my commentary for WLYSS, this is the punny title I warned y'all about.

Once again, we’ve got a summary adapted from the show’s opening monologue.  The first sentence basically translates the original’s first sentence into German.  Solnishko says “apparently I saw my Großeltern” because 1) it was a longass time ago and 2) he’s forgotten 95% of what happened to him pre-freedom.  I do have a drabble in mind depicting the night der Mann in Gelb invades his life, but tbh, my brain’s kinda telling me to wrap up the series.  I know there’s two—maybe three depending on how I split it up—instalments left, and they could always fight Trigon :D

I set this fic during Father’s Day because +1 in 5+1 was set during Mother’s Day, so I wanted to get both holidays in.  The only thing missing is Joe hanging out with Martin, but I imagine Martin waddled on down to STAR Labs, watched Henry for a bit, and then waddled on over to Joe’s place.  Or ya know, something.

If you remember Red’s words from UWMA— **Two of their families are dead, one might as well be dead, and one is dying** —Ronnie and Wally’s families are dead, Doctor Tannhauser might as well be dead for how seldom she’s engaged in Charlie’s life, and Jessie’s family is dying because Harry’s mourning so much that he’s on track to become Doctor Tannhauser 2.0.

I did consider having Harry be TESS Earth Tess.  I ultimately abandoned that idea so as not to besmirch STAR Earth Tess’s memory by borrowing her likeness.

_“Listen to me go on and on about my dad when none of you even have a dad to complain about,” sighed a brunette who wore festive Nextel: predominantly green with red accents and a raccoon mask._

I usually don’t start with quotes because why should who cares what somebody says if they’ve got no clue who’s talking or what they’re talking about.  It’s like poetry—for me—too abstract.  I enjoy Jack Prelutsky as much as the next person, but most poets tend to be too vague for my tastes.

 

_our fail o’sucky lives do not invalidate your fail o’sucky life.”_

Preach it, brother!

 

_“Seriously, Jesse, what does your father think you’ll do with a sixth PhD anyway???_

Okay, so on the show, Jesse has 5 majors.  I have no idea what those majors are, feel free to fill in the blanks.  I wanna say at least one’s underwater basketweaving or poultry breeding cuz that’s the kind of loser I am, but the intelligent part of me knows they’re probably all sciency or mathy.

 

_“{Lotta good mine did me,}” a fuzzy-haired guy slumped in his seat.  The joys of spinny chairs drowned in survivor guilt.  He became fireproof.  407 people burned.  He could recite every last name by heart._

Ah, spinny chairs, oh what fun :)  This might be a consequence of not looking for them, but I haven’t encountered any fics where Ronnie—the architect—feels a twinge of guilt for his work failing miserably.  Granted, we know Eobard planned it to fail, but Ronnie doesn’t know that.

Anybody up for writing FIRESTORM: the Early Days?  I’m not; my mind’s too unfocused right now to do so. Go crazy!

 

_a racetrack lab in Technological Engineering Scientific Studies Laboratories_

They’re basically in Season 3’s speed lab.  I wanted to incorporate how it’s TESS Labs vs STAR Labs because those are both nice acronyms.  I wanted TESS Earth to feel different since I have no plans for any plot to spend any time there: hence why they swear by scientists, Ronnie’s “conspiracy theories” are common knowledge—except for Batman—and Bruce Wayne retiring from dark knighting, “all-star students” instead of “straight-A students”, blah blah blah.  If anybody knows the power of changing even just one thing, it’s us fanfic fans.  I go overboard and change many things at once, but that’s cuz I’m incapable of doing anything like a normal person.

 

_a bunch of teenagers arrived_

Originally, this was just gonna be Robin, Raven, Batman, Selina, and Starfire.  Once again, my brain came up with an overly-convoluted family background—for Beast Boy & Cyborg this time—which my laziness saved me from implementing.  Martian Manhunter would’ve been BB’s grandfather/guardian & Cyborg’s foster father after their parents died in a car accident & Cyborg became Cyborg because Martian cybernetics were the only thing that would’ve saved Cyborg.

Nope.

 

_cat ears which doubled as binoculars_

This is Selina’s Nolanverse gear.  I figured Batman would make her cat-tech while she was gone.  Batman’s Gotham Bruce Wayne in Nolanverse gear (and Adam West bat-shark repellent), so Catwoman most likely matches this All Media Types taco.

 

_circular flip phone_

Titans communicater from the legit _Teen Titans_

 

_Awkwardness paused them until cat ears piped up, “We’re here to hang out with Bruce!”_

:D

 

_Azarath Metreon Zinthos_

I have a drabble in mind that might explain this, but knowing me, I’m going to get around to it, so I’ll explain it here.  Azarath is Raven’s home dimension which UWMA reveals Trigon banished her from.  Out of universe, nobody knows what the other two words mean, so I invented meanings for them.  “Metreon” means “mother” in Azarathese while “zinthos” means “companions”.  Raven doesn’t need her chant to cast magic.  Her heritage makes it chaotic, so she chants “Home, family, friends” to remind herself why she fights.

 

“Heyo!” _Big Bang Theory_ -teed Cisco greeted them with a wave worthy of an ocean.  His umber eyes bulged on sight of Charlie. “Caitlin!?!”

“....My name’s Charlie,” she frowned at the name. “Caitlin was stillborn.”

My stupidity had them dropping off Wally first.  Thankfully, I remembered Nora & company would be AT STAR LABS GOOD GRIEF I’M DUMB :P

 

_Charlie blinked her tears away and sniffled at Nora, “You want me?” Charlie snapped her fingers. “Just like that???”_

_“Absolutely,” Nora pecked her forehead. “Henry and I would’ve adopted our Earth’s Charlie, and even if she was alive today, we’d still adopt you.”_

_Charlie whimpered, “My mother started working basically 24/7 after my dad died.  I called her every day, yet all I got was her secretary.  Finally, my friends and I ambushed her in her office and told her how lonely I felt....  She told me my feelings are irrelevant!!!”_

_Nora frowned and hugged her again, “Nobody’s feelings are not irrelevant, Charlie, and if your mother doesn’t understand that, I will be your mother.”_

Go Nora! If y’all are sick of Nora by now, too bad, cuz the next installment might as well be called Whatever the Wordcount Ends up Being of Go Nora.

 

**_Wally’s mama and sister were cops, and his daddy was a jazz musician, yet he didn’t leave the womb until he’d run background checks on all of ‘em._ **

**Lol**

 

_“You alright, Wally?” Joe quirked an eyebrow.  Off-duty for the first time in what his joints swore equated to eternity, he wore a dark, long-sleeved tee and slacks. “You look like you’re seeing ghosts.”_

West Bullshit Radar may not have been explicitly named in this installment, yet I assure you, it was at work.

 

_I know I’m not your Wally, and I know you’re not my daddy and my sister, but can we be each other’s not family together???”_

_“Heck no!” Iris stared at Wally like a cat stares at an insect it has no intention of killing. “We’re not going to be a not family, we’re going to be a_ _family_ _family!”_

T_T

 

_“Listen, there’s something y’all should know.  The portal between our Earth and yours’ll only last for 24 hours; after that, poof!  The Lightnings won’t be able to make another one, so if it’s really okay for us to stay, that’s what we’d love to do.”_

_“Don’t you have anything to go home to?” Joe asked._

_Wally looked between his friends and his family, “We have all plenty of things to go home to, but none of us have anyone to go home to_

T_T

I did my best, yet I have no idea why the Lightnings wouldn’t be able to make another portal other than “because plot”, but I failed. Sorry, folks.

 

_Ronnie downed his root beer as if it contained actual alcohol, “{My family supported my dream to become an architect… then it became a nightmare when what I built killed them all.}”_

_Eddie turned around, ignoring the waffles popping up perfectly roasted, “Our particle accelerator blew up, too, and ours didn’t have a Ronnie Raymond working on it.” Ronnie perked up at his newfound, suit-loving brother. “Bad events can have good consequences, and good events can have bad consequences.  No matter what happens, we gotta keep moving forward because we can’t go back, and staying in one spot forever isn’t healthy.  If you ever feel this awful—that your family dying is your fault—you give Caitlin a call; here’s her number.  She spent her entire childhood thinking Solnishko’s abduction was her fault, and now she knows it wasn’t.  And you can always talk to me, too.”_

Aw, Eddie :3 :) T_T

 

_STAR Bar: granola bricks designed to provide up to a third of a speedster’s daily recommended caloric intake—now with 10% more vitamin A!_

Lol

 

_He grabbed a Build-a-Bear Workshop box from underneath a bush_

I imagine Harrison knew where it was this entire time.  Subtly is not Solnishko’s specialty.

 

_This is Jesse without an I, my Schwesterchen; I just met her today, but I love her unconditionally!_

Awwwwww

 

_I cherish every minute with my child; I am appalled that your father doesn’t feel likewise_

If you read this fic like I wrote it, you were bracing for impact the entire time.  We’re at Yellow Alert from line one; now we’re at Red Alert.  FULL POWER TO SHIELDS!!!

 

_Ronald Mallard: a duck_

This is an NCIS reference nobody asked for. You’re welcome :)

 

_“Schwesterchen said you didn’t want to spend Father’s Day with her!  ....This doesn’t make any sense!” Solnishko punched the stranger’s face and screamed as he fled._

Hahahahaha :D

My original plan for this series stuck a little closer to the actual events of the show.  Harry was going to pretend to be Harrison to exchange Solnishko for Jesse—which of course, Zoom wasn’t going to honor.  Wally was going to be the Man in the Iron Mask.  I don’t remember Ronnie or Charlie being in my original plan.  Harry was going to struggle with inner turmoil at sacrificing the child of another version of himself: initially rationalizing “he isn’t even Harrison’s offspring blah blah blah”, call out “Run, Solnishko run” a second too late, and then the rest of the crew was going to beat the hell out of him or some other suitable torture while figuring out a way to rescue Solnishko and Jesse.

 

_I waited hours for you today; you can wait until I’m good and ready to tolerate you!!!”_

I debated delivering this line via Green Lightning.  The Lightnings are best used sparingly, in my opinion.  Plus, it just would’ve confused Harry, and he’s Harrison for that, so yeah.

 

_Harry sat stunned on bamboo flooring.  He’d barely recovered his newsboy cap when righteous fury commanded him, “Sit.”_

_Harry gingerly padded over to the couch and sat down as if a pressure plate would activate a landmine underneath it.  His counterpart glared lasers at him._

_If Harry still had clue how epically he had failed today, Harrison spelled it out for him, “I hope my son never cries again unless they are tears of joy, but I will understand if he does, because he has a lot to cry about.  He doesn’t even remember most of it, which frankly, might be the best thing for him, because I remember all of it, and none of it was ever any good!  I watched him suffer for years without being able to do a thing to comfort him, so imagine my outrage when our brilliant, diligent daughter told me that you are too busy mourning your wife to notice that Jesse is mourning her mother!!!” Harry shrunk into the sofa and stared at Harrison as if the latter would rip Harry to shreds and feast on his heart.  Harrison’s fists coiled.  He calmed himself with a deep breath, “I know what you’re going through.  I didn’t get to spend 24 hours as Tess’s husband, yet I miss her so much, it hurts.  Do you know what heals my pain? My ‘ohana.  You can count the amount of sane members on one hand—maybe two—but you are more than welcome to it.”_

I dreamed up this scene thinking “craaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!”

I wrote this scene thinking “Holy shit! I hope Harrison never needs another exclamation point ever again!”

And then I remembered my future plans and remembered he most likely will.

 

_Dear Fenster,_

_I’m sorry you didn’t get a lot of time with Mom, so when you miss her, you can spend time with Morgan.  She has a lab coat for fur safety, closed-toe shoes and gloves for paw safety, and goggles for eye safety.  I bought #FAR Junior a lab coat so he can do science with her._

_~ Your Superhero_

“Fenster” is German for “window”.

T_T

T_T

T_T

 

_Solnishko had kept Jesse out of Build-a-Bear Workshop while he built this critter, so both Jesse and Harry teared up at Solnishko presenting a koala dressed like Morgan with a newsboy cap, “This is Tesla; there’s only one of her to remind you that missing Mom separately isn’t working out for either of you, so try missing her together instead.”_

T_T

I think Tesla and Jerrie are tied for Most Heartwarming Plushie so far.

 

_Will you be our fathers for Father’s Day???”_

Lol

 

_Mark signed, “(We know we’re annoying, we don’t always follow orders, and we fight a lot; but we love both of you because you let us stick around despite all that.)”_

_Len and Mick looked at each other before Len sighed, “....We don’t just let you stick around; we love you—immensely and unconditionally.”_

_“My father’s dead, and Lenny’s father is the worst father who ever fathered in the history of fathers,” Mick pulled his twin morons into a hug, “but if y’all wanna spend Father’s Day with us, we’d be honored to spend it with you.”_

Awwwwwwww

 

_Both boys whoop-whooped and presented the men a set of gift cards to Saints & Sinners.  Now Len and Mick knew the twins were many thunderbolts short of a storm, but they had enough common sense to give something other than gift cards to the business the recipients owned._

_Clyde perpetuated the deception by wiggling one, “They’re the special holographic ones!”_

Lol

 

_Starfire had uploaded an album of her team’s escapades with an early-thirties Bruce Wayne and his four-year-old firecracker._

Theoretically, Bruce & his son shall appear in what might be the finale of STAR Blazers.

 

_BB Gun: Especially Dick :D_

  * _Bats, Cats, Cyfy, & Roth of Khan :D this comment_



_Dick Grayson: Shut up you guys!!!  Whoever hacked my account better fess up or I will throttle all of you D: <_

Hahahahahahaha

Roth of Khan is a _Wrath of Khan_ reference.  CAPTAIN PICARD IS THE BEST CAPTAIN EVER YOU UNCULTURED SWINE!!!  Roth is Raven’s last name, and apparently, her first name is Rachel.  I know somebody in real life who’s named Rachel, so no, that ain’t happening.

 

_Koriand'r_

_Starfire’s Tamahoweveryouspellit name_

Concern raised Eddie’s eyebrow when his brother began manically laughing at his computer.

_Ron Stoppable reposted Koriand’r’s TESS Earth album: I TOLD EACH AND SINGLE ONE OF YOU LOSERS THAT BRUCE WAYNE IS BATMAN AND NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME! HA!!!_

Hahahahahaha

 

_Weast: Politics. Your ultimate goal would be VP, but for now, shoot for Congress._

_Frosty Killer: Just vote no for everything, and nobody’ll care cuz Congressmen never get anything done anyway_

_Go Away: Politicians_ _aren’t allowed to wear hats, & my hat is my EpiPen in case I accidently do work!_

Can you tell I’ve taken a political science course recently?

Weast is a _Spongebob_ reference.  I imagine Joe’s codename is Northeast while Iris’s is Southeast.  Ron Stoppable is a _Kim Possible_ reference.  Wheeling Dead is a _Walking Dead_ reference.  I haven’t interacted with _Walking Dead_ beyond commericals, so please let me know if “Wheeling Dead” offends anybody.  I did my best to invent a codename for Nora, but the only other codenames I could think of were “Notre Dame” and “Mighty Mom”—any _Fairly Oddparents_ fans in the house?—and the latter wouldn’t be fair to Clarissa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTARY SURVIVED!!!


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